Frustration to Liberation- Interpraise Reflection

I have been meaning to reflect about this for the longest time but haven’t found the time or haven’t wanted to because in the back of my mind I knew I had done something wrong.

I fell into the trap of doing-things-for –the-sake-of-doing-things once again. So short story about myself-- before I came to college, my life on paper was fantastic but in actuality it was falling apart. Everyone that supposedly cared were the ones that ended up sucking the life out of me—my health declined among other things and I came to college feeling dry and not wanting to give any part of myself—whether it be my time or my skill to anyone or anything. It was when I inwardly felt dry that I was able to see God—to see how weak I really was. I joined IV randomly. I did not offer anything, but my small group leaders kept pouring into me and every week I would ask myself “WHY? Why do they do things when they get nothing in return?”

Not sure how all of you were brought up, but I was brought up where you do things and get things in return. Exchange? A balanced equation? Call it what you want, but the concept of Jesus just blew my mind. In my head, I know that I cannot balance this equation on my own without Jesus. But I keep wanting to—and with nothing other than WORKS. Because doing things shows to God and to others that you are good and faithful right?

So for those of you that know or don’t know—I was assembling the prayer requests together for the Interpraise program and Sarah asked if anyone wanted to do the program and I’m thinking—well I’m putting together the prayer requests anyways, might as well. The Monday before Interpraise I found myself staying up later than I had stayed up that semester because prayer requests were not given to me on time. My roommate was with me and saw my frustration and the growing bags under my eyes and asked if I was okay. I was like “Can I scream?” And she’s like, “Sure…”

I think I screamed loud enough to scare my apartment-mates and for people living adjacent to me to call the police. In complaint I said, “God, I’m really mad and frustrated right now. I did everything right. I send out notices like 3 weeks in advance. I stretched deadlines but people would send me prayer requests after I PDF-ed the program 11 times. Why are people so irresponsible?!”

Well that’s not verbatim but that’s the gist. I was so frustrated. I felt like I was serving alone which is kind of a scary feeling.

But through reflection, I came across Luke 10:38-42

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’”

I had essentially pulled off a perfect Martha. I was so busy serving and did not sit at the Lord’s feet. I thank God for hitting me over the head with his grace. How many times have I claimed to “do the Lord’s work” without sitting at the Lord’s feet and then complain to God ask Him—“where are your blessings?”

When Jenn and Sarah suggested not to hold Interpraise next semester, my initial feeling was anger. I was just sitting there saying to myself, “Wait, Interpraise went well. It was the best it has ever been. We did so much. I PRAYED!”

However, I did feel a strong desire to slow down and reflect. I feel like God laughs at how immature I am sometimes (or all the time). But God knocks me with grace and says “Wait and sit at my feet.” I’m not sure whether this means not doing Interpraise this semester, but it might. I guess we have to wait.